Grieving SUCKS, why I’m feeling it anyway & why you need to…
Posted on January 31, 2019
Let’s be real.
…and it SUCKS even more when you lose someone you were very close to.
The closer you are to someone, the more grieving sucks. The harder it is.
Grieving is HARD.
Grieving is PAINFUL.
This is a reality of the human experience.
I know it firsthand.
I’m grieving my dear grandma’s death right now.
I hate the pain of it.
I hate that she is gone.
I wish I did not have to go through it.
I wish the pain would go away
I wish my grandma was still alive.
Every time I go out and about, a memory of her pops up.
- I’m in my car and I remember when we would drive to places together.
- At the grocery store, I remember when we would grocery shopping together in France.
- In my bathroom, when I put my jewelry on, I remember the last time I saw her and was wearing the same jewelry.
- I won’t call her anymore in the mornings or be late to my spiritual center on Sundays because I was calling her.
- In the morning when I wake up, I feel this big hole inside of me.
And every time, this memory comes, it HURTS. and the tears want to come.
It hurts so much that I want to push the pain away. This is my first impulse.
Initially, I do.
and then, I stop and let the tears out. I let myself feel. It hurts and it takes LOTS of strength and courage, but I do it.
Because the only way to heal grief is to GO THROUGH IT.
Let me repeat that. This is SO important. I want you to really hear it.
The only way to heal grief is to GO THROUGH IT.
NOT BYPASS IT.
NOT AVOID IT.
NOT AVOID THE FEELINGS.
NOT AVOID THE PAIN.
NOT LAUGH IT OFF.
It’s counterintuitive; I know.
It hurts so much that we don’t want to feel it.
We think it will get better if we don’t feel it.
We think it’s weak to feel it.
We think we need to get a grip.
We think courage and strength mean not feeling it.
NOPE. NOPE. NOPE
The opposite is true.
To heal, you have to feel
YOU HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN OF IT.
FEEL ALL OF IT.
YES, A L L O F I T.
If you don’t feel it, you can’t heal it. (as my mentors say)
and this is true for ALL emotions.
FEELING IS BEING ALIVE.
If you stop feeling, you stop living.
You start dying inside.
If you stop grieving, you stop living.
I’ve seen this in so many of my clients. In our 1:1 session, they may come to the call feeling some emotional pain and they want to bypass it to go to the vision of what they want. They ask me to bypass it. and I don’t.
Because It does not work that way.
To access joy, vision, and positive energy, we have to feel the pain first, when there is pain.
Otherwise, the pain stays trapped inside and blocks our life force, our insights, our joy.
We find JOY, VISION, CLARITY again by going through the pain and feeling it.
Lots of repressed emotional pain can be a major block to clarifying and finding the work you love.
Have you noticed how you feel better and lighter after feeling your emotions?
I know I do.
I’ve cried so much last week, that I’m feeling better this week.
The intensity of the grief is slowly diminishing.
I’m feeling better because I did not bypass the pain. I let it be and flow out of me.
I’m slowly starting to accept the loss, even if I don’t like it.
Is there a present or old grief that you need to feel? Some emotional pain that you have not felt?
If so, I really encourage you to feel it. and if it’s too hard or scary to feel it by yourself, reach out and seek some help, including professional help.
You are stronger than you think!
As a human, you are designed and built to feel all of it, and recover from it.
P.S. There is beauty in grieving, as this beautiful quote that my friend Jennifer sent me says:
“In the Lakota/Sioux tradition, a person who is grieving is considered most wakan, most holy. There’s a sense that when someone is struck by the sudden lightning of loss, he or she stands on the threshold of the spirit world. The prayers of those who grieve are considered especially strong, and it is proper to ask them for their help.
You might recall what it’s like to be with someone who has grieved deeply. The person has no layer of protection, nothing left to defend. The mystery is looking out through that person’s eyes. For the time being, he or she has accepted the reality of loss and has stopped clinging to the past or grasping at the future. In the groundless openness of sorrow, there is a wholeness of presence and a deep natural wisdom.”
― Tara Brach, True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart